What do they see in me?

 Ever since I was about 10 or 11, people have said to me that I should think about becoming either a priest or a deacon, and to this day I have never been able to figure out why. Now what is strange with this is that not many Black youth are told this. Just recently I was told by Deacons in this diocese that I should go to the School for Deacons and become a deacon. I just don't get what people see in me. Let me go back in time.

 My parents bought a house in another area of Philadelphia. We had continued to attend the same congregation, but for some reason unknown to me they decided that it was time to find a church that was closer to home. There were two congregations not to far away. We went to one congregation and my parents I discovered later really liked it. Then the next Sunday we went to the other one. During service some people came and got my sister and I and took us to Sunday School. While we were in our classes, they had us sign some stuff. Now being the age that I was, I really didn't have a clue as to what we were signing, but it turned out that we had signed up for Sunday School. We told our parents after church what we had filled out, and they said that they guess we are going to church here now. Now that I think about it, I have a feeling that they were upset at what had happened, but they didn't express it (thanks mom and dad.) 

 I had noticed two clergy people at the church during service, and as far as I knew they were both priest, as I don't recall ever hearing the term Deacon before. As we were sitting there one Sunday, my father leaned over and for some reason explained that one was the priest and the other a Deacon. He then explained the two roles to me, and said that I should think about becoming one and that I should strongly consider the role of a Deacon. I think that at this point I had wanted to become a cop like one of my grandfathers was, but never a clergy person. I thought about it for a while, but because I really didn't understand the role of the Deacon, I put it out of my head.

 On the day that I was confirmed, after service and some prodding from my parents, I walked up to the Bishop and asked him to sign the Bible that my parents had bought me as a gift (I still have that Bible to this day.) We spoke for a minute, then he said that I should think about becoming a Deacon. I was 12 or 13 at that point, and wasn't quite sure what I wanted to be, but I told him that I would think about it.

 Again and again I thought about the two roles as people kept saying that I should become a member of the clergy, but I just didn't get it. I wasn't feeling the need or desire to become one. When I moved to California, I heard it again at the congregation that I attended, but I came up with an excuse that brought me to an understanding that I had no interest. The Bishop's Committee choose the Deanery reps, and I was asked to be one. I said OK, and when I went to my first meeting and then the convention of the diocese I knew that even though becoming a member of the clergy would be something that I wouldn't be doing. Politics killed the thought of becoming a member of the clergy. I watched the politics that were going on, and I knew that I had no desire to be apart of it. I went back and stayed within the confines of my congregation.

 Years went by, and people kept bringing up me becoming a clergy person over and over.  Yes I have thought about it over and over, but I really didn't understand the role of the deacon. When I became a member of the Commission on Ministry, I gained a great understanding of the role. The more that I have learned and thought about it, the more that I think back on the first mention of it by my father. I wonder if someone had really explained the role of the Deacon in my teen years, would it of made a difference in my goals in life? Would I be ordained a deacon now? Oh there is no way for me to go back in time and have that happen, but I wonder.

 Over the last few years the call for me to take on that role has been pushed on me more and more it seems. I sit and I wonder about it, “Should I do it, or should I not?”, “What difference would it make to me to become one?”, “Why should I even think about wearing a collar, and how would it help me in spreading the Gospel to the world?” So many questions, with so few answers. 

 I know that the one thing that this diocese needs more than priest are Deacons. We have such an overflow of priest that each congregation could have 3 of them, and we would still have extras around. But this, like many other diocese in the Episcopal Church have a large shortage of deacons. I wonder if I should become one and talk with teenagers about thinking of it as a career choice to do even though they will need to have a secular job? 

 I don't see myself as a Deacon or a priest, but I wonder what it is that people keep seeing in me to think that I should? Oh if I were to follow that path, it will be because it is what the people desire, and I will truly be raised by the community to that role, but why does the community of the diocese wish to see me in that role is something that I wonder. What talents and skills does the community see in me that will be a benefit to the world?

 I remember being at ordinations a few years ago, and  ArchDeacon Anthony Turney gave the sermon. He talked about the role of the deacon and a well known charity. He ended the sermon in a brilliant way, and it really related to what he talked about. he told the newly ordained deacons that they needed to got o Hell. I wonder if I am really to do that in order to help spread the Good News of the Holy Trinity? But I also wonder if you are willing to go there with me? I love being on the Commission on Ministry, but I wonder if me being on it was God's way of telling me to think about my path and what God wants me to do?

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The Struggles of the Church - Part I

 I am hoping that there is something that will happen to change things, but I fear that it will not happen. Yeah it is the congregation that I am in. I have tried over and over again to get things going there, but I have given up for the most part. My pastor has begun to try, but I think that he will give up by the summer. I still think that there is hope for the place, but not much hope for it with most of the people within the walls of it currently. Changes need to be made, and with those changes it means a lose of many of the people there. 

 The congregation basically has 6 real lay leaders, and only one of them serves on the vestry at this time. The thing is with this person, if the diocese were to ask me to bring the leaders of the congregation over for a meeting, he wouldn't be one of them, and I think that maybe two of the others might come. But this congregation is like so many others, where it is just really a few people who actually do the work. I have someone hoped that with Area Ministry that it would get others to step of to the plate, but I don't think that it will happen much. 

 What is really sad is how little people really want to do anything at this congregation. The vestry will put committees together, and they don't meet, or will start off with a bang and then die very quickly. Trying to get people together to do even the simplest of things is difficult. When I first started going there, on the first Sunday of the month people would bring food for the Food Pantry, but that faded away. I tried to bring that back, and it worked for a couple of months, then it stopped. We do a monthly Movie Night, where a member of the congregation will bring in a movie on the second Saturday of the month and will also bring some snacks. The idea was to invite the neighbors to come in hopes that a few of them might be interested in wanting to know more about the church and become members. Just a couple of us put notices out to the people of the area, and even got it into the local neighborhood paper. Only one neighbor ever came. Part of the problem was that there was more of a push to have movies that had Spanish subtitles, than to get the people of the area through the door. Sure it is nice to have people from the congregation to show up, but it wasn't helping the church grow. One other thing is that when people sign up, they also put what movie they are going to show so that can be advertised not only within the neighborhood, but also places like Craigslist. 

 But as hard as others and I try to bring life into the place, and get people involved, excuse after excuse is given as to why the different ideas can't be done. Now imagine if the followers during the time of Jesus keep doing that. Do you really think that Christianity would have survived? It's time for people to get off of there butt and actually do something.

 This in a way is not just about the congregation that I am in, but the Episcopal Church, the Lutheran Church, the Catholic Church and the many others that are dying. Oh people are talking about there members dying and moving away, but what is being done to get others to fill in those empty seats? It would seem to me that with people moving, that growth for some parishes would be happening, but I don't hear about that, only that congregations are dying. I know of a congregation that at had a large number of people in the pews for the two services that they had on Sundays, but now they are down to one service and only have maybe 25 people for it. This is sad.

 But yet I do see hope for many of the congregations if they really want to survive. One of the first things that I think needs to be done is to have people from the office have a conversation with the lay leader of these places to see if they really see any true and honest hope of the congregation's survival. The diocese needs to also have suggestions on things that these congregations could do. They also must talk about the effect of actually closing or merging congregations. Think about it. Maybe two struggling congregations could merge into one under new clergy leadership. and even though they might start off small, with more lay leadership involved, they could become vital places with life in them. Why have say 80 congregations with say ½ of them dying, when you could have 60 congregations with life in them that are spreading greatness of our Lord and Saviour?

 But I will admit that I do see congregations in the Episcopal Diocese that I live in where I truly believe that the Holy Trinity will bring life back into. There are three congregations that come to mind. St. Cyprian's in San Francisco. From what I understand, they are down to only 25 people coming each Sunday. I know their vicar, The Rev. Will Scott. This is a congregation that I would love to see leaders from other congregations attend and become a member of. With the leaders at the church, others coming in, and Area Ministry, this could become the congregation that it once was, that being one with Life in it. 

 Another congregation is the one that I joined when I first moved to California. It was a vibrant congregation then, but after I left it declined to a sad state. From what I understand, St. Cuthbert's is actually beginning to do well. But the thing that I believe will help it in it's growth is if some of its members get involved in other things in the diocese. I believe that they have the ability to become the faster growing congregation in the diocese and in the Episcopal Church as a whole. It's just missing that certain something to get it there. Even though I am not a fan of the vicar, I think that if the members were to actually listen to her and work with her, along with support from the diocese, they will grow.

 The last congregation is St. Paul's here in Oakland. Now they are actually doing OK, but I believe that they are about to become another one of those that will grow in huge ways. This is a case where the rector is so dynamic, they will come just for him, but the problem is that the church won't know what to do with the people beyond having them come on Sundays.

 Oh I know that there are a ton of more congregations that I could add, like Grace Epiphany in Philadelphia and others, but those were the ones that come to mind as I think about it. 

 Another congregation that just jumped into my mind what I pray will be busting at the seems one day is St. Clare's, located in Pleasanton. Rev. Ron Culmer is the Rector and a really super guy. I think that with his leadership, and if the people work with him, that church will be one of those where you will need to get there 20 minutes before any service if you want to get a seat.

 One more is St. Augustine's here in Oakland. It seems to be that they have the right mixture of stuff, from a great Rector in Rev. Monrelle Williams, to people who are active at many levels not only at different levels within the congregation, but in the diocese as well, but something just isn't working right. Oh they have bugged me to join leave where I am and join them, but for me my heart wouldn't be in that place. Oh I do go there for services, and I do love the people, but I kind of like the underdog church that others forget exist. 

 Anyways, let me end this here, as I am sure that their are plenty of other things that you could be doing besides reading what I write. I promise that I will continue on with my thoughts int eh near future.

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Just a LITTLE Respect is all that I ask for...

 I find it amazing how little respect I get from my own pastor. I think that if it wasn't for others in this diocese, like my Bishop, I would no longer be in the Episcopal Church, or I would at least be at another congregation. Every Sunday I sit in a congregation that is dead, and nobody seems to want to do anything able bringing life back to it. The place is full of excuses on why it can't do anything, and leading the pack is the pastor. Now I don't want for him to be removed any time soon, as he does do some good things, but I already see him taking full credit on something that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be involved in. Let me go back in time.

 I grew up in a family who was involved in the church, regardless of whatever congregation we were in. My mother was involved with the Altar Guild and other things. My father was the Sr. Warden and involved with a number of other things, and even my sister got involved. I did my best not to get involved, but I found myself involved with a number of activities.

 When I moved to the west coast, I didn't attend an Episcopal service for a few months, but one Sunday I awoke and had to attend a service. With the help of someone, I found one of the local congregations and attended. I walked into it and knew that I was back home. After the service, I spoke with the vicar and he was excited to have me there and of the things that I had done in the church. Before I knew it, I was involved.

 Some changed occurred at the church, and I had moved to another part of the city. I went to the congregation that was closest to me, mainly to see what they were up to, and before I knew it, I was a member there. I tried to remain in the background, but before I knew it I was involved with different thing. After a few years, I managed to get it so that I was mainly doing what I had wanted to do ever since I was a child, and that was to just sit in the pews. After a few years, I found myself back active again, but this time it was much deeper. Now let me speed up.

 The Vestry put together a committee to work on the rental of the campus in different areas. After not meeting for several months, I took it upon myself to rewrite all of the rules, and came up with several pricing items. I brought this to the committee (who still hadn't met,) and they looked over it. It was then brought to the vestry, who passed it. It was then said that the committee should be given a hand. As the applause was going, someone mentioned to my pastor that I should be given the credit. He then said "That doesn't matter". When I brought up what had happened in order to protect the church in case something should happen, and after a discussion, the vestry voted that I was owed and apology. After the meeting, my pastor walked up to me and said,"I thought that you were on the committee," then turned around and walked away. I still haven't heard an apology.

 I was asked by the diocese to be apart of a group to put together a strategic plan for multicutural and multiethnic ministry. At the first meeting we talked about many things, one of which was to take a look at other plans that had been put together. They thought that my pastor could get one of them and that he could present it to the group several months down the line. When he came to the meeting that we wanted to talk to him about the plan, he came without the plan. He got involved through the rest of the process. The Sunday after the Diosean Convention passed what was created, he took full credit for his involvement and how great he was on this, but didn't mention that I was involved even though I was sitting in the church. A few years later, we had an Assistant Bishop come to visit. Part of his job was to be the head of the MultiCultural & Ethnic Ministries. He, my pastor and I were standing in the altar area, when he brought it up and that he had questions about it. I said that he had two of the people standing with him that had worked on it. My pastor then said that I had very little to do with it, and that it was mainly his work. I just walked away.

 I asked that "Lift Every Voice and Sing" be sung during Black History Month. He told me that it didn't fit with the liturgy. I asked the next year and was told that we sing other Black songs throughout the year, so no reason to sing it. I have found it funny when I have gone into other congregations (even Euro congregations,) they sung it during the month. Funny, when I changed the last hymn of the service last February to it, people walked up to me afterwards saying that we should have been singing it each week during February. 

 Not to long ago, I passed him a note asking that we do the "Stations of the Cross" during Lent. Now we had been doing it the last couple of years, as I have found some interesting versions. Now I had to get through his "Oh, that's a Spanish thing" several years ago when I brought the idea up. I also explained that it is something that I do for my Personal Spiritual growth, and even if I did it by myself, it would help me in my growth. We this time he wrote back that we should do this bilingual. I said that I will explain why we shouldn't on the way back. on the way back, I explained why I did the Stations, and he kept insisting that we do it bilingually. In other words, what he was saying to me was that he didn't care about my Spirituality. 

 The diocese runs a program called Nightwatch. He got mad that he wasn't invited to be apart of the planning team. He came and brought some of the youth the first year. I know that he was hoping that it was such a problem that he could jump in so he could claim that he saved the day. The kids loved the program, and the program went off well. As a result, the youth group at the church began meeting again. I asked the youth what they wanted to do, and I even showed them a list of events that the diocese had for youth. He didn't like it, so he ignored what the youth wanted and made up his own things to do with them. After a bit of time, the youth group fell apart. It was sad to watch, as at one point he all but told the youth that they weren't permitted to talk with me about things that they wanted to do. Because of things with the Assistant Bishop, people involved in the group he wanted me to have people involved with the planning. My pastor proceeded to say to be after the meeting that we should take the event away from the others that I was working with over. Now that we are working at putting the next Nightwatch together, he has lied to me about how someone else (one of his friends) got involved. People have told me that the two of them want to try to relive there supposed glory days of youth work, and now I know that they are going to attempt to drive out all of the people involved who won't do things the way that they want away from future Nightwatches, and will try to do the same with the other youth events. They won't listen, and sadly the youth stuff for the diocese will vanish. I already know what will happen after the event is over. He will stand before people and claim all of the credit for the event for himself and his friend. If I try to say anything, he will do his best to minimize my involvement.

 Time and time again he has shown no respect to me and others. The vestry said that he had to take three consecutive weeks off between January 2009 and September 2009. He thought that he could come back with a list of times that he will be away during the week over months ahead, and I am sure that he was mad when it was mentioned that he also needed to take three consecutive weeks off. When it came to the September Vestry meeting, he still hadn't taken the time off, and when we tried to work with him as to when, nothing but excuses as to why he couldn't. I resigned from the vestry after that meeting. I wrote out why I resigned, and from what I have been told he minimized what I wrote as to why I resigned to the Spanish speakers on the vestry. He doesn't want them to know the truth.

 When one tries to bring up Stewardship and giving of monies to the church to, he gives a sermon about Stewardship having nothing to do with money. His response to me when I said "Joyous Kwanzaa" to him during the Peace was "Oh That", then walking away. Telling the congregation that Black History wasn't important. He has done so much stuff and taken credit for works of others that I am now finding it funny. The Diocese has come up with a great idea and is calling it Area Ministry. He has found a ton of reasons as to why it shouldn't be called that among the Oakland congregations, but Shared Ministry. I get the feeling that if it is successful under that name his will claim all of the credit for it with tons of excuses as to why it isn't Area Ministry. 

 But I am glad that others in the diocese have said "Thank You" to me. It makes me realize that people do care. I have thought about leaving the congregation to join one that wants to survive, but I think that I need to sit back and watch the destruction of this congregation. I don't want to diocese to remove the pastor either, as I have said, he does do some great work. It's just a shame that he has driven a number of natural leaders away, not only from the congregation, but even from the Episcopal Church. I know that he has no respect for me, but all that I can do is pray that I get my reward in Heaven. I wonder how he will answer to the Holy Trinity for the things that he has done, not just to me, but to others?

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EMERGING FROM THE BLACK HOLE…..

A friend of mine named Gina wrote this, and I found this to be a very beautifully written peice. I just had to share this with you.

EMERGING FROM THE BLACK HOLE.....

By Gina AKA Dream Wizard

C ompletely wrapped in the blanket of misery and pain, finding yourself in the destruction of utter despair and disdain.  Fallen again, into the virtual reality of the bottomless pit, the devil's turf, here you now sit.   

The Grim Reaper has now come to your mind for a visit, playing musical chairs with your thoughts and emotions with intent to create chaos and commotion.  Your up is now down and your down, downer that not even the blue bill can stop the rock of inner destruction from rolling downhill.  As if the gravity of saneness has been culled from the ground.   Your world is now twisted, distorted and turned all around, as if the inner logical compass just spins all around.   All feelings of sense of self now stolen from the thief in the night who has replaced your saneness by indifference, self hate, no wisdom forthright. 

All friends good wishes just chatter and noise creeping to a full blown migraine of nonsense in a box of ill-fitted ploys.  Pandora's box of minds tyranny,  has now taken flight, like a winged bat on a mission soaring into the night.    The full moon has risen and has raised hell with your plight.  Your thoughts are of darkness and won't turn off with the light.  You are of ill fit of the mind and of all but distraught,  feeling bruised and all beat up yet it is only yourself,  that you fought. 

Deep down into the black hole of nothingness in a place called nowhere.  The stillness of nothing, absent of all, nothing good worth hearing, not even the sound of the cricket's call.  Closed out from the world, removed from it all. 

Alone, without comfort, from the deafening silence of BLACK,  only sleep can bear witness from the self-defeating thoughts which attack. 

Now, the time has come to scratch your way from a place of hell, a hole so deep, you no longer know just how deep you fell.  What toll must be paid, coming up from such hole, climbing up the walls of self-defeating dirt that has covered your soul.   Upward and onward you climb but the earth seems to crumble under your grasp, you fall from the ledge of ill thoughts from your past.

You grab onto the walls of dirt to lift yourself up but the sand slips from your clenched fingertips.   Push and climb, you dredge forward  two paces up only to  fall back down one, perhaps it would of been best, if hadn't begun.  

You remind yourself to think of a better future, a brighter day await, only to ponder such theory of who has taken such bait.  Hope you decide is better than none, so again you attempt the climb now as an Olympian with a prize to be won.   

You claw your way to the surface inch by inch from sheer determination and fortitude. A profound mental image etched in your newly found attitude.

Fiinally, after what seems like eternal damnation, you pull yourself out of the wretched black hole, feeling alive, you dust off your soul.  Your face now turned up to that glaring light, you quickly squint in pain and cover your eyes from that which is blinding bright.    As your pupils retract and you stand upright, your body adjust's to the brilliant light.....SUNSHINE.

Welcome Back.

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The Fish Tank, Part III

Ok, it has been a bit since I last updated about the fish, so hear is what is going on. one of the black ones died, which means that I am down to three, one of each color. Yellow and Orange seem to stick together most of the time, which the Black one joining in from time to time. I think that I am going to have to go down to the pet store where I bought these and take a look at what is going on in there tanks. As I think back on it, it seems as though the Orange and yellow ones stuck together in the tank, and the black ones stuck together much of the time. 

 I'm thinking about setting the other tank up and putting the Orange and Yellow one in there, then finding some females and breeding the black one. I happen to like his tail better.

 Welp, I guess that I should get back to writing about things in the communion again on this blog. I got a shock today about something that happened in this diocese, but I want to spend a few days thinking about it and other things before writing anything.

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SWB – Shopping While Black

 At times I find it funny when Whites have a problem believing that something like this really goes on when they are told that it is.

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Racism in A Fish Tank? Part II

 Things have been interesting over the last few days. One of the yellows and one of the oranges died. The Orange died first, and the lone orange tried hanging with both groups. He mainly ended up with the yellow ones. But it was still interesting, as the guppies still stuck together color wise. 

 I lost the yellow one yesterday. I couldn't find the body, then suddenly it popped up today. but things have been interesting in that one of the black ones has spent some time hanging with Yellow and Orange, but for the most part the Blacks are hanging together.

 I guess that I would have to get a number of different colored ones to see what happens, but I think that I will stick with the ones that I have now.

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