Why do you believe?

 I still don't get it. I'm talking about people wanting me to become ordained as a Deacon or a Priest. In case you are really wondering, if God were to say to me I had no choice but to be one or the other, I would become a Deacon.

But still, very few people will say what they see in me to even bring it up. I was at the Ordinations in this diocese at the beginning of last month. Before the ordination service, the diocese held an event relating to Area Ministry. During lunch, I was sitting at a table talking with a dear friend, someone that I really think should be ordained. After lunch, I had gotten together with the other members of the Commission On Ministry as we lined up to head in for the ordinations. One of the people said, “I was at a table, and someone asked me who that priest was. I looked around and said that their were a number of them around, which one was she was talking about. She said the one sitting over there, and I looked around and asked again which one she was talking about. She pointed and said the one that is sitting at the table talking with the woman. I then realized that she was talking about you.”

OK, something is going on, but nobody will explain to me what it is that they see. I was at church one day, and one of the members said something to me and that I should become ordained. My pastor overheard the conversation, and got a huge smile on his face.When we had a conversation about 10 days later, after telling him what I have been experienced, I asked him what he saw in me. He talked about all of the other people, but when I brought it back to what he saw, he again avoided the question.

But there have been a couple of people who have answered the question whom I really respect for it, several of them are Deacons. But I really need to hear from others as to what they see in me.

Now to something else. I forgot to mention that the guppies that I had written about have all died. The final one to go was one of the orange ones. I realized that it was going to happen about a week earlier, as he would only lay on the bottom of the tank, and the only time he would swim around was when food was put into the tank.

I also ended up losing all of the fish in that tank a few months later, this included the fish that I had the longest, which was a catfish. I am at fault on this, as I had added to much salt into the water the night before when I went to top off the tank with water. When I arose the next day, I walked into the living room and looked into the tank. The catfish was laying on one of the plants like it would do at times, but I knew something was wrong. I grabbed a net and stuck it into the tank, and when I got close to it and it didn't dart off, I knew that it was dead. It was then that I realized that all of the other fish were dead also. I haven't gotten any new fish to replace them, as I am trying to figure out what I want to get, and even if I want to continue to have fish. I have been thinking about just cleaning out the water in the tank and getting a Beta. I'll figure it out one of these days.

Anyway, things are still the same at the congregation that I am in. My pastor has still not apologized to me as directed by the vestry. I am finding it funny, as I have let him know that I am still awaiting the apology, and he has given excuses. He has even given sermons relating to rewards and other stuff, but still he can't do something so simple as to say, “Clinton, I am sorry. I screwed up and what I did was wrong. I apologize.” I know that it is never going to happen, and I wonder how he will answer to the Holy Trinity if he should be asked about it.

I hope to get back to writing here more often. I have been busy with other things, and I have also gone back to writing poetry from time to time. I haven't been keepin up with much of what has been happening in the Anglican Communion, as I feel that I should be spending my time doing other things. I will do my best to write something in the next few weeks.

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What do they see in me?

 Ever since I was about 10 or 11, people have said to me that I should think about becoming either a priest or a deacon, and to this day I have never been able to figure out why. Now what is strange with this is that not many Black youth are told this. Just recently I was told by Deacons in this diocese that I should go to the School for Deacons and become a deacon. I just don't get what people see in me. Let me go back in time.

 My parents bought a house in another area of Philadelphia. We had continued to attend the same congregation, but for some reason unknown to me they decided that it was time to find a church that was closer to home. There were two congregations not to far away. We went to one congregation and my parents I discovered later really liked it. Then the next Sunday we went to the other one. During service some people came and got my sister and I and took us to Sunday School. While we were in our classes, they had us sign some stuff. Now being the age that I was, I really didn't have a clue as to what we were signing, but it turned out that we had signed up for Sunday School. We told our parents after church what we had filled out, and they said that they guess we are going to church here now. Now that I think about it, I have a feeling that they were upset at what had happened, but they didn't express it (thanks mom and dad.) 

 I had noticed two clergy people at the church during service, and as far as I knew they were both priest, as I don't recall ever hearing the term Deacon before. As we were sitting there one Sunday, my father leaned over and for some reason explained that one was the priest and the other a Deacon. He then explained the two roles to me, and said that I should think about becoming one and that I should strongly consider the role of a Deacon. I think that at this point I had wanted to become a cop like one of my grandfathers was, but never a clergy person. I thought about it for a while, but because I really didn't understand the role of the Deacon, I put it out of my head.

 On the day that I was confirmed, after service and some prodding from my parents, I walked up to the Bishop and asked him to sign the Bible that my parents had bought me as a gift (I still have that Bible to this day.) We spoke for a minute, then he said that I should think about becoming a Deacon. I was 12 or 13 at that point, and wasn't quite sure what I wanted to be, but I told him that I would think about it.

 Again and again I thought about the two roles as people kept saying that I should become a member of the clergy, but I just didn't get it. I wasn't feeling the need or desire to become one. When I moved to California, I heard it again at the congregation that I attended, but I came up with an excuse that brought me to an understanding that I had no interest. The Bishop's Committee choose the Deanery reps, and I was asked to be one. I said OK, and when I went to my first meeting and then the convention of the diocese I knew that even though becoming a member of the clergy would be something that I wouldn't be doing. Politics killed the thought of becoming a member of the clergy. I watched the politics that were going on, and I knew that I had no desire to be apart of it. I went back and stayed within the confines of my congregation.

 Years went by, and people kept bringing up me becoming a clergy person over and over.  Yes I have thought about it over and over, but I really didn't understand the role of the deacon. When I became a member of the Commission on Ministry, I gained a great understanding of the role. The more that I have learned and thought about it, the more that I think back on the first mention of it by my father. I wonder if someone had really explained the role of the Deacon in my teen years, would it of made a difference in my goals in life? Would I be ordained a deacon now? Oh there is no way for me to go back in time and have that happen, but I wonder.

 Over the last few years the call for me to take on that role has been pushed on me more and more it seems. I sit and I wonder about it, “Should I do it, or should I not?”, “What difference would it make to me to become one?”, “Why should I even think about wearing a collar, and how would it help me in spreading the Gospel to the world?” So many questions, with so few answers. 

 I know that the one thing that this diocese needs more than priest are Deacons. We have such an overflow of priest that each congregation could have 3 of them, and we would still have extras around. But this, like many other diocese in the Episcopal Church have a large shortage of deacons. I wonder if I should become one and talk with teenagers about thinking of it as a career choice to do even though they will need to have a secular job? 

 I don't see myself as a Deacon or a priest, but I wonder what it is that people keep seeing in me to think that I should? Oh if I were to follow that path, it will be because it is what the people desire, and I will truly be raised by the community to that role, but why does the community of the diocese wish to see me in that role is something that I wonder. What talents and skills does the community see in me that will be a benefit to the world?

 I remember being at ordinations a few years ago, and  ArchDeacon Anthony Turney gave the sermon. He talked about the role of the deacon and a well known charity. He ended the sermon in a brilliant way, and it really related to what he talked about. he told the newly ordained deacons that they needed to got o Hell. I wonder if I am really to do that in order to help spread the Good News of the Holy Trinity? But I also wonder if you are willing to go there with me? I love being on the Commission on Ministry, but I wonder if me being on it was God's way of telling me to think about my path and what God wants me to do?

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Rethinking the Pyramid

 I often here the term "Top of the pyramid" when it comes to levels of where people in job positions are. The people at the top are the CEOs, Presidents, Owners, etc. in a company. These are the people with power. In the church it's the same way. We have placed the Presiding Bishop at the top of the pyramid and the laity at the bottom. 

 After some things over the last few months, I am beginning to think that this pyramid thought is wrong in the church. The top of the pyramid in the church is really the Laity. Some of this thinking is from getting to know some of the Deacons in this diocese and the role of a Deacon. I really wish that the world really got to understand the role of a Deacon and gave it the true respect that it deserves.

 Here is my thinking. Now I could be wrong, but hear me out. The bottom of the Pyramid is really the Presiding Bishop. The PB puts together a staff and plans that help Bishops do their job. like a house, the base/foundation helps to lift up the Bishops. Part of the role of a Bishop is to be one that is visible to the world, and the ones that are out in the world spreading the word are the Deacons.  Even though most people would think that it should be the Priest in that position of being lifted up by the Bishops, in many ways it is the Deacons that Bishops are lifting up. Now the Deacons are not only out in the world spreading the Good News, but they are also inside the church in some ways putting things together to help raise up the Priest do that they can do their job. Now much of the work that the Priest does is administrative and helping to support and raise the Laity. This puts the Laity at the top of the pyramid. 

 Now if you look at a pyramid, you can remove the levels below the Laity and the church will still survive, but if one removes the Laity from the pyramid (church) no longer exist. Think about it. As much as the claim is that only the other position can do certain things, do you really think that the Holy Trinity is going to get mad if a Layperson were to bless and administer the communion if it brings someone into a closer life with Christ? 

 Now I could be wrong, and actually like the fact that we do things in the matter that we do, but we really do need to rethink the pyramid as to who is on top. I am sure that their are people who will tell me how wrong I am in my thinking, but another way to look at it is that the Laity is the Keystone of the church. Without the keystone (Laity) of a stone arch (the church) could not exist.

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